Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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