dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
