Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
