end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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