If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
