boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
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