sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
