Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
