hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
