final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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