She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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