My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
worst night to have a conscience
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
