Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
