actually, I'm a sock model
Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
