my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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