My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
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