im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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