Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
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