I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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