I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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