Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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