What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
