you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
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I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.