I wish my penis had an off switch
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
