I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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