I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
