Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
