I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
