need another drink. this is the easiest way
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
