She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
