beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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