i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
