Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
