you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
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I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
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I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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