You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
