You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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