my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
