i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
you are never too drunk for berry picking
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
