Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
