god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I need moral support for this bender
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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