He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Randomize
