All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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