just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Randomize
