I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
My penis needs a shock collar
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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