Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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