My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
