at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
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I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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