god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
