Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
