i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
