I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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