soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
