Old men and throwing up are my life now.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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