I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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