Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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