I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
