if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
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